F is for Fear (or Family)
by only-some-loser
Summary: A late night discussion of the silly things they're afraid of turns into a much more serious conversation for the Kingsman. But hey, that's what family is for.


**I know it's a week past Halloween, but in my defense, I didn't get the inspiration for this fic until Halloween night itself. It's just supposed to be a short little one shot centered around my favorite set of spies. It's not exactly canon compliant (for obvious reasons) but I wanted to write it anyway. Due to being not canon compliant, it can't really be situated anywhere, but I see it as taking place after TSS but before TGC. That being said, it really doesn't matter. This is my first Kingsman fic, so I apologize for any mischaracterization. I didn't really try to write Eggsy's accent or Merlin's, so you'll have to use your imagination for that. I knew I would probably mess it up if I really tried. My Kingsman/MacGyver crossover is now officially in the works, so be on the lookout for that in the coming months, as it will be my first multichapter fic, and I want to write it all before I post it. Please give me a review, and I hope you enjoy!**

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A series of Halloween themed pranks between Eggsy and Roxy throughout the month of October had finally culminated on Halloween night, and ended with the both of them getting a not-so-stern reprimand from Merlin that lasted until it wasn't even Halloween anymore. The tech genius was trying to be mad, but that was difficult to do when the young agents were both trying - failing - to conceal their grins and were both covered in whipped cream. It had gotten messy to say the least.

"Just don't do this again, please. At least not on official Kingsman property," Merlin allowed, pinching his eyebrows. It was a good thing that none of it had actually affected him. Harry, on the other hand, was a little more pissed.

"Not anywhere," Harry said as he walked into the room. He had gotten caught in the crossfire between Eggsy and Roxy, and had elected to wash up before lecturing them. "Lest you let some other poor soul get caught up in your childish activities. Thanks to your silly games I have to get that suit prematurely dry cleaned. At least the two of you thought to dress less finely today," he finished with a roll of his eyes.

"Sorry Harry," Eggsy replied with a barely concealed smile, and definitely not sounding sorry in the slightest.

"It won't happen again," Roxy added, sounding only slightly more sincere.

"It better not," Harry said, with a twitch of a smile.

Eggsy looked at Harry devilishly, and the older man knew that he was about to say something he probably shouldn't before the boy even had to chance to do so.

"You're only sore 'cause we scared ya anyway," he said, averting his eyes from his mentor with a smile on his face.

"Oh hush, I'm not afraid of anything-"

Harry was cut off by a loud laugh from Merlin.

"You wish you weren't Harry, but ya forget, I was there in that jungle. I know your silly fears," Merlin continued with a knowing look.

Harry glared at him, a whole conversation happening with just that one look.

"Don't. You. Dare," he added.

"Well this I have to hear. Come on Merlin. What is it? Is it bats? Crocodiles? Snakes?"

Harry whipped his head towards Eggsy at that.

"Oh it is snakes isn't it? What do you think Agent Lancelot? Is the fearless Agent Arthur afraid of snakes? Can we deduce that with our spy skills?" he asked, nudging Roxy with his elbow.

"I think you're right Agent Galahad. I think he is afraid of snakes, but there's something else too," she said, taking slow steps around Harry the way she would if she were interrogating a suspect.

"Quite right Lancelot. There's something else too," Merlin confirmed.

"You three are absolutely unbelievable," Harry muttered.

"Come on Harry, it's just a bit of fun. If you tell us what silly thing you're afraid of, I'll tell you what silly thing I'm afraid of. We'll all share. Won't we?" Eggsy said.

"Of course. As long as it's just between the four of us," Roxy immediately replied. Merlin, however, was silent.

Eggsy sighed and stared at him.

"Oh fine," he finally relented with an over exaggerated sigh and roll of his eyes.

"Great!" Eggsy beamed. "Now come on Harry. What is it?" The boy was practically bouncing with excitement, much to Harry's displeasure.

"Hippos," Harry said, resigned to his fate.

"As in hippopotamuses?" Eggsy questioned in disbelief, stilling immediately.

"Yes Eggsy, what else could I possibly mean by hippos? They're one of the largest creatures in the world, and one of the most deadly. Anyone in their right mind would know to avoid them at all costs," he said, as if it were the most normal thing in the world to be afraid of hippos.

"But that's not all. He didn't just try to avoid them, he was petrified of them. There was a hippo in the watering hole on one side of us, and a snake on the other, and Harry here had no idea what to do. It was quite hilarious if you ask me," Merlin explained with a laugh.

"Well then I suppose it's time they were made aware of your silly fear of clowns Merlin-"

"It's not silly-"

"He was directing me through a circus on a mission one time - he wasn't even there, just directing me from HQ - and I ended up having to find the suspect and my way out myself because he couldn't stand to look at the clowns!" Harry shot back.

Eggsy and Roxy were too busy laughing to say anything.

"Maybe you two babies are too young to have heard of him, but Harry, you've surely heard of John Wayne Gacy, the serial killer clown? I know you have. And of course clowns are killers in all forms of media. If you've ever wondered why I always carry a knife with me, it's not just because of training. Oh no, it's also so I can kill any clown I come across. If it bleeds, you can kill it," he explained in an effort to sound rational.

Throughout her snickering, Roxy was able to say, "well then I guess that makes my fear more difficult doesn't it? I'll be honest with you, I know I say I'm not, but I can be a bit superstitious. I'm afraid of ghosts. Whenever my maid back home would tell me stories of terrible things that had happened at our manor, I could never sleep, and I swore I saw ghosts around the grounds. Even now I can't get through Poltergeist. But, slowly, I'm working through it, along with heights, but you all knew that one already. Alright now Eggsy, your turn. What silly thing are you afraid of?"

They all turned to Eggsy after nodding at Roxy's confession, silly as they may have thought it was.

"Okay, but ya can't laugh, alright? Ya have to promise," he asked of them.

"Sorry Eggsy but I can't promise that. It's my job as your best friend to laugh at you," Roxy replied with a smile.

Eggsy grinned and shoved her, which only caused her to laugh a little more.

"Seriously though, there's already someone who's used this against me along with everythin' else, so I'd really appreciate it if you guys wouldn't."

The other agents could tell he was really being sincere this time, so they nodded respectfully.

"It's dolls. I think it's got somethin' to do with how they look mostly human, but not quite. There's just somethin' off about 'em, and I can't stand them. Their beady eyes and psychotic smiles," he said with a shudder. "They really creep me out. That's why Daisy doesn't have many. I still feel kinda bad about that," Eggsy finished, his eyes downcast.

"Like clowns," Merlin added, his voice serious.

Eggsy let out a small chuckle in response, but no one really said anything until Roxy broke the silence.

"But what are you all really afraid of? I mean, clowns and snakes are one thing, but what is it really that keeps you up at night sometimes?"

For a moment, the three men remained silent. Real fears were something not often shared with others, and for good reason, especially in their line of work. Spies had to be careful about what they told others. But the four of them knew they could all trust each other with their lives. There were no other people they were ever as open with as each other, and sometimes, they just had to open up. If one of them really needed to, they all would to make them feel more comfortable. If Roxy needed to hear the fears of the others in order to feel better herself, then they would share. It was as simple as that.

Merlin made eye contact with Roxy first, saying, "I know this sounds very generic lass, but for me it's just not being able to protect the people I care about. I'll have dreams where I'm directing one of you, or someone else entirely, like I always do, from HQ or a jet, and because of my mistakes, they die, and all I can do is watch. I'm helpless to stop it from happening. That's what keeps me up sometimes. The mistakes I've made causing the people I love to die."

Everyone was quiet for a brief moment, taking in what he had said. They could all relate to the fear of failing a loved one and causing their death. It came with the job, but it was harder for some people to deal with than others.

"I'm glad that's only a fear of yours, and not a true experience," Harry said. Eggsy knew exactly what the older man was referring to, but wasn't surprised when he began to elaborate. "My mistake cost the life of Eggsy's father. It was only his courage that saved us all. That's what haunts me at night. Every innocent who is dead because of me. Eggsy's father is one of many faces that haunt my dreams. Even everyone at that blasted church, no matter how misguided, hadn't deserved to die."

As Harry finished speaking, he sat down on one of the office chairs and combed a hand through his hair, the only sign that he was emotionally connected to what he was saying.

"But none o'that was your fault. It was those SIM cards, not you. You know that Harry, don't you?" Eggsy replied.

Harry sighed, saying "knowing that, and letting it impact your life are two very different things my boy."

"That's half my battle," Roxy interjected. She took a glance at each of them, Harry sitting down, Merlin leaning against his desk, and Eggsy standing next to her. The two of them still had whipped cream all over them, and didn't want to ruin any upholstery, so they refrained from taking seats.

"I stress so much over things I can never change, from missions that don't go as planned, to a hectic schedule, to the three of you," she added with a small chuckle. "And even the political climate. None of that I can change, but it keeps me up at night thinking about it. I know it's pointless anxiety, but, like you said Harry, knowing something and letting it change your life are two very different things."

She gave each of them a small smile before continuing, "that's why I'm so glad to have you all. Now I prefer to remain detached from people, but the three of you mean a lot to me, and now's as good a time as any to tell you. And thank you for letting us talk about this. Thank you very much."

The three men let out a chorus of agreements, with Eggsy even reaching his arm around his best friend and tugging her to his side with a smile on his face.

"Okay," Roxy continued, speaking more firmly and clearing her throat afterwards. "Your turn now," she finished, nudging Eggsy with her whipped cream covered elbow.

The boy avoided everyone's gaze before answering to the ground, "Well, I don't think it's gonna be a surprise to anyone, but I guess it's only fair if I 'fess up too innit? No secrets between us 'n all that." He took a deep breath before continuing in a low voice. "It's Dean. I know he's gone for good, at least I hope he is, but I still dream about 'im all the time. I guess it's just everything he did to me and my mum for all those years, everything he made me do. I can never quite get it out of my head. It's just gonna take some time to fade away is all. I'll get over it all eventually," he ended, shrugging his shoulders as if the years of abuse his stepfather put him through were nothing more than a single argument.

"You shouldn't have to," Harry said. "What that man did to you and your mother was something that no one should ever be subjugated to, and you don't have to force yourself to move past it faster than you are able."

"That's what we're here for," Roxy interrupted. "We're all here for each other aren't we? When those fears are roaring, when our nights are sleepless, we're all here for each other. That's what friends are for."

She became the one to hold onto Eggsy a little tighter, but he quickly returned the gesture, melting into her touch. The four of them were silent once again, content in the presence of each other. Their fears - both silly and serious - had been laid bare, open for all to see, and that was okay with them. They were an odd bunch, but they had become family, and family always looked out for each other, no matter what.

"Alright you two, I think it's time you head on home and get cleaned up. Besides, I've got to find someone to clean up all the whipped cream in the sparring room, and it's late enough as it is." Merlin looked at his watch. "My goodness it's already November. I swear to you both, if I had any hair left you'd be making it go gray. Now go, I don't want to see either of you until the suns comes up."

He had tried to sound serious, but as the case had been at the beginning of their conversation, Merlin was simply unable to do it. The chuckles of the two young agents as they left the room, already back into their normal rhythm, left the two older agents holding back laughter themselves. Merlin and Harry might have never gotten a wife or kids, but at least they got their friendship in each other, and they would hard-pressed to say that they didn't think of Roxy and Eggsy like they might their own children. Of course, neither one would admit that. But that was all part of what it meant to be a family.


End file.
